I decided I’m a Tiger. I’ve always loved the parallels between women and felines. They’re slightly unpredictable, mysterious creatures. They are cunning and elegant and graceful. They require very little training and are typically independent animals. Felines are small, but fierce, and have amazing manipulation skills (please reference Puss In Boots and the “look”.) The other day, I got to thinking…most women can be placed in one of three categories; they are either a kitten, a cat, or a tiger.
First there are the kittens of the world. The adorable, charming, lovable girls. I hesitate to call the females in this category women, because they lack much maturity or independence. They need to be taken care of and their view of the world is naive at best. They’re great at batting their eyelashes and sobbing to get what they want. Whining is a strength. Ever heard a kitten that’s hungry or upset? Or the girl who got upset because her boyfriend glanced in another females direction? Same thing. High-fuckin-maintenance. They all look about the same…fluffy, but maybe with different colored fur. When a kitten wears sweats it means her hair is curled, her lipstick is on, and her matching velour jumpsuit spells “Pink” across her ass in rhinestones. She may have a nickname like Bubbles, or Barbie, or Sparkles, and she doesn’t even realize the nickname is a partial insult. She can’t make decisions without consulting her mom who she probably calls her BFF (like a kitten on a tit). And she think sweat is icky and pool parties that actually involve splashing and going under water are unacceptable (like a cat avoids rain). These kittens lack the communication skills involved with adult conversation and are frequently irrational and dramatic. And it’s annoying. You’re going to have to put your time in with these girls. They’re fun to look at and pet for a bit, but they also require a great deal of attention and patience. Oddly enough, some guys enjoy kittens. Needy females make them feel more manly and they like the attention kittens beget. Warning: it’s easy to be googly-eyed initially…who doesn’t love a kitten? But the endless meowing grows tiring. The claws that come out when you’re just playing begin to leave scars. And then suddenly you smell something funny and you realize your kitten has been secretly pissing all over your carpet. Kittens are overrated. I suggest stain remover and shock collars.
The cats of the world are lovely. Standard, house broken, but with more personality and maturity than a kitten. They can pee in the litter box and hunt mice, and can sometimes be left home for a couple of days while their owner is on vacation. These are big girls. Women. A cat is fully capable of taking care of herself, but she enjoys rubbing against a leg every now and then. She seeks a nurturing owner that will care for her but allow her some freedom. If she feels threatened, game on. But she’s still a delicate species. These females aren’t afraid to have a little fun and let loose but they’re fairly tame. They engage in a fair amount of grooming but lack the fluff, and each has her own individual style. Maybe fat and furry, others sleek and slim. Maybe even a hairless here and there. Some have hot pink collars and live in fancy houses, and others prefer killing birds and sleeping in barns. Cats are the most common women, as well as the easiest to be with. Men can rest easy with a cat…just keep her purring and your golden. My only warning; she will often hide how she feels. She’s not a scaredy cat, but she may also not be terribly direct. So pay close attention to her moods. If her ears are pointed, she’s watching you carefully. If her tail is puffy, she’s terrified. And if her back is arched, walk away slowly.
Finally, the tigers. Tiger women are an endangered species. But when you find one, you may find a family. These women often surround themselves with others like them. Big personalities, big opinions, and big claws. It’s a lot to handle. They’re not delicate or fragile, but clearly history dictates that poachers are capable of destroying the population, and zoos can capture and contain even the most dangerous of animals. These women have glorious spirits, but with enough abuse even they can be broken…and it’s tragic. Tigers are not necessarily the most mature or the most rational, but they’re smart. They know survival. They are capable of jumping through hoops of fire under the big top, or dominating the Asian jungles. Slightly fickle felines, the tiger can become a docile kitty with the right person, but if crossed their man-eating carnivore instincts emerge. The black and orange big cats are cool, but they’re wild and fast-paced and can be a very threatening pet to keep. If you’re afraid, they’ll sense it and eat you alive. So although you must tread with caution and exhibit respect, you also have to establish some dominance to extract any form of obedience. Tigers also don’t have much patience for grooming, but their stripes make up for it. They’ll get down and dirty in more than one way. These women are a bit of a handful, but if you can manage, a pretty kickass handful. Most men can not handle the tigers of the world, but to those that can, my warning; do not attempt to cage these beasts…they will eat your face off and lick the blood from their paws while daydreaming of their next prey. Tigers also enjoy kittens for snacks.
I don’t deny that each feline has its strengths and weaknesses. And each is alluring to a certain population. The Egyptians worshiped cats. So it seems only fitting that men should worship women regardless of sexual preference.
(On a side note…men are like dogs. Dogs tend to be associated with companionship and a playful nature. Some can hunt, some can herd sheep, and some are just dumb little lap dogs. They like to hump, follow owners around, and bark to get attention. There are the sweet and loyal ones, and then the ones that were not raised with love, and will sink their teeth into an arm and not let go. They like to eat turds and dirty tampons, and beg on a regular basis. Yes…men are like dogs.)