Today, my mind seems to be stuck on one subject. Poop. Primarily because my recent “cheat meal” left me with some short-lived digestive discomfort. But also because my baby can’t seem to get one out. I worked her little legs to maybe loosen things up. Gave her some tummy rubs. And finally, I went for the prune juice, which typically serves as a “light” laxative for infants. This was my last resort. Prune juice has an unpleasant effect on her…typically the “light” doesn’t apply, and the aftermath can be…overwhelming and messy. At this point, I’d just like both our bellies to chill out. But for now, I seem stuck on the subject, so lets review some of the poo categories.
- Boo Poo – This is one of my favorites. Also referred to as a ghost poopy. You’re in the midst of your day when suddenly you get a strange chill and you sense something other-worldly. As you approach the bathroom, fear grips you…you’re not sure if you’ll make it. You sit down, and in moments, relief. No splash, no sound, no work. And then you wipe, and it’s as if nothing ever came out. Spooky.
- Whopper Waste – The name is not suggestive of size in a large sense, rather a candy sense. Whoppers. The small, round, hard, malted milk-balls of goodness. Unfortunately, small round waste is less than spectacular. It often requires a great deal of effort with minimal satisfaction. And if you happen to come across a colorful bunch, it’s either Easter, or you swallowed too much gum.
- Firework Feces – This is not something celebratory. It’s the worst kind, in my opinion. There’s so much anticipation just waiting for darkness to fall. Then the fireworks. Explosive and messy, and sometimes dangerous. And the ashes and smoke and smell of the show linger well after the event is over.
- Titan Turd – These are the turds that you think it might not be physically possible to get out. You sit on the toilet, nervous to give it a go, because you know there might be some acute pain associated with the excretion of this beast. It can take a substantial amount of time in certain situations, and the real titans may even give you a small ab workout. But once it’s out, you feel like you’ve lost 5 pounds and cleared your entire digestive tract.
So on that note, I’d like my readers to say a little prayer to whatever God or deity you’re down with, or just send some good vibes our way. Cause the baby needs to empty her intestines in a serious way and I need a break from the bathroom. Good day. To both you, and your colon.