A Piercing Perspective


People have been piercing themselves since sharp objects could successfully break skin.  I can appreciate any cultural association, or even aesthetic preferences for some.  Others just leave me questioning the sanity of people willing to test boundaries. 

Ears are common.  We have our single-piercing-type girls who dangle classy pearls from those pretty little ear lobes.  They stick to the standards like studs, diamonds, and tiny precious metal hoops.  Double-piercings are pretty standard too.  That’s how I roll.  But moving onto the more extreme, girls with every inch of their cartilage paper punched with piercings…kinda trashy.  My apologies for the harsh judgment, but it looks like somebody attacked you with a nail gun.  It’s not appealing.  Snuggling or make-outs could lead to serious lacerations, and you better hope you don’t get too close to a large magnet or you might lose an ear.  Guys…I haven’t figured out the ear-piercing thing on you.  Personally, I prefer full lobes.  Certainly no excessive bling.  I suggest you go hole free.

Some people go the gauged route.  They’re either badasses, or dumbasses.  Artists, who’ve selected a profession accepting of visible bodily alterations, and who view piercings as a form of expression…cool.  Props.  I’m mildly jealous of your ability to pull it off.  In another life, I’ll be a photographer/writer with some tiny and tasteful gauges.  But it’s not always a good idea.  On the other end of the spectrum, we have the 17 year olds that buy into something they view as “cool”.  Then they realize they’re not a rockstar, or an artist, so they go to college.  Upon graduation they attempt to get a job at Wells Fargo with coke bottle bottoms wedged into the expanded skin that used to be their earlobe.  Dumbasses.

Bellybutton piercings were hip in the 90’s.  Maybe early 2000’s.  I only recently removed mine for good, primarily because I always felt naked without it.  And I have an abnormally large crater for a belly button, and a tiny jewels does a great job filling the space.  But 2 babies later it’s just not working.  If you bedazzle your stomach with dangly charms and random rhinestone shapes, stop.  Less is more.  And if your gut it eating your piercing, just take it out because really, what’s the point.  Anyway, these days, I much prefer a button that’s nude.  Leave it alone.  There’s nothing hotter than a natural and nude tummy.

Facial piercings are a hit or miss.  A little nose stud…fine.  Just hope it doesn’t get infected or you’ll look like you have a permanent black head.  And make sure your stud of choice is secure when you blow your nose or you might end up with a booger coated jewel.  Only a troll should ever have a booger coated jewel.  For me, the lip and eyebrow piercings are just way over-rated.  I find them distracting.  I think faces and all the unique shapes and characteristics they offer are beautiful.  When people puncture any piece of loose skin they can find on their face, my psychological analysis would conclude low self-confidence…they’re hiding behind all that shit.  It’s like using nails to hang reminders on a clean white wall.  Stick with Post-It’s.

Tongues piercings drive me mad.  Quit clicking it on your teeth.  And quit darting your tongue out like a lizard to be sure people know you have your tongue pierced.  I’m unclear why anybody would want a self-induced speech impediment.  Get rid of it.

So this one will age me, but now people are getting those implant-thingys (I’m certain that’s the appropriate technical term).  The small rhinestones that magically hook into your skin, or the permanent skin corsets.  I’ve seen girls with sparkles on their wrists, and guys with small spikes protruding from the back of their neck.  What the fuck.  I don’t understand.  Why not just stop at a scrapbooking store, buy a sheet of stickers, and go crazy.  You could have glittery unicorns and firetrucks which would really attract that attention I’m certain you’re looking for.  I guess do what you do, but if my kids ever come home with one I’ll rip it out.

Genital piercings.  Seriously?!  What would possess you to put an extra hole down there.  Or to stab your naughty bits with a long needle?  Sounds crazy.  Because it is.  Between the hips and knees, women have three holes, and God knows that’s enough.  It’s hard to keep track of them all, and quite frankly, given the pee, potential for urinary tract infections, periods, and poop, additional excretions could cause a whole lotta chaos.  Don’t do it.

Adding a little pizzaz to your look is normal.  If you’re some sort of masochist and get some pleasure from the pain, just go to Office Max, pick up a box of push pins, and have at it.  No need to put legitimate holes all over your body.  Just be selective folks, and exhibit caution.  And that’s my perspective on piercings.

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